I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
