make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
