Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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