if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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