Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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