Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
