At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
