I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
