Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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