I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
