i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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