Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
