i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
