we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
They have beer where we have blood.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
