he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
