It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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