well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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