I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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