He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
