the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
