I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
