I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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