Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Come share oat with me in your robe
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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