i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
