I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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