dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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