apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
