I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
