Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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