Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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