well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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