Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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