Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
