I can't breathe out the right side of my face
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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