turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
