Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
