I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
