Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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