I can't breathe out the right side of my face
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
