Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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