i just had sex bonerless
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
