turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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