exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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