Ambien. No doubt about it.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Just invented taco cereal.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
