i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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