I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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