John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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