Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
