He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
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