First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
